Matt and Nev in their usual seats 7

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 7

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

MATT                                              Tell ye a thing that would solve the

                                                         inviroment. (BEAT) Bikes.

NEV                                                Oh aye?

MATT                                              Like China. It’s all bikes in China now. (BEAT)

                                                        And Belgium.

NEV                                                I canna ride a bike.

MATT                                              Why aye ye can. One of them things you

                                                        never forget. Like... ridin’ a bike.

NEV                                                Never had a bike. (BEAT) Just a pump.

                                                        (BEAT. ANXIOUS) When’s this coming in?

MATT                                              What?

NEV                                                This law aboot ridin’ bikes.

MATT                                              Next Tuesday.

NEV                                                Oh. (BEAT) Will ye learn us, Matt?

MATT                                              On yer bike.

END

That concludes my week of Matt and Nev scripts. Thanks for listening. (Well, reading.)

Matt and Nev in their usual seats 6

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 6

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

MATT                                              Tell ye a thing they should bring out. (BEAT)

                                                         Beer-flavoured crisps.

NEV                                                Ye reckon?

MATT                                              Oh aye. Cos see, suppose you eat a cheese

                                                        ‘n’ onion crisp, then you have a sup o your

                                                        pint, that sup’s spoilt cos it tastes all cheesy.

NEV                                                An oniony.

MATT                                              Exactly. But if you had a beer-flavoured crisp,

                                                        you wouldn’t be wastin any o your drink.

NEV                                                Right. (BEAT) But if you think about it, they

                                                        don’t need to go to all the bother o making

                                                        beer-flavoured crisps.

MATT                                              Why not?

NEV                                                Cos you could just get plain-flavoured crisps,

                                                        right... an dunk em in your beer.

MATT                                              Doesn’t work.

NEV                                                How d’ ye know?

MATT                                              Cos I just this minute tried it. What happens

                                                        is, your crisps go soggy in your beer, an they

                                                        drop off your fingers an make a horrible mush

                                                        in the bottom o your glass.

NEV                                                Well, your pint looks clear enough to me.

MATT                                              (COOLLY) That’s cos I used yours.

NEV                                                (REACTS. FADE ON NEV’S DISGUST)

END

Matt and Nev in their usual seats 5

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 5

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

NEV                                                Fancy a game o darts, Matt?

MATT                                              Nah, I’ve given up on that game. Pointless.

NEV                                                Whey, I divent agree, marrer. I’d say it’s the

                                                        supreme test of hand-eye coordination.

MATT                                              Mebbe so, but me darts keep falling out.

                                                        (BEAT) Pointless.

END

Matt and Nev in their usual seats 4

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 4

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

NEV                                                Eh, you like karaoke, Matt?

MATT                                              Me? Nah, never been much struck on

                                                        take-aways.

NEV                                                No, karaoke, man. Where the music comes

                                                        on and you sing the words off the screen.

MATT                                              Oh, like karaoke nights, you shoulda said.

                                                        Oh aye. (BEAT) Elvis is very good at that.

NEV                                                Elvis?

MATT                                              You knaa Elvis. Works down the chip shop.

NEV                                                Oh aye. (BEAT) Bet he does a good karaoke.

MATT                                              Good? You should hear his Lady Ga-Ga. It’s

                                                        like she was in the room.

END

Matt and Nev in their usual seats 3

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 3

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

MATT                                              Nev, ye knaa ‘Fog on the Tyne’.

NEV                                                The Lindisfarne song? Oh, aye.

MATT                                              (SPOKEN NOT SUNG)

                                                         Sittin’ in a sleazy snack-bar,

                                                         Suckin’ sickly sausage rolls,

                                                         Slippin’ down slowly, slippin’ down

                                                         sideways,Think I’ll sign off the dole

                                                         (BEAT) Do ye think the consonantal switch

                                                         in alliterative pattern to introduce the last line

                                                         of the quatrain enhances or diminishes the

                                                         dramatic effect of the underlying satirical

                                                         narrative?

NEV                                                 I diven knaa. (BEAT) Canny song, like.

MATT                                              Oh aye.

END

Matt and Nev in their usual seats 2

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 2

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

MATT                                              Tell ye a thing I never won.

NEV                                                National Lottery?

MATT                                              Not that, no. The thing, man.

NEV                                                Pools?

MATT                                              No.

NEV                                                Bingo? Raffle? What? Domino card?

MATT                                              No. The thing. (BEAT) Nobel Prize in Physics.

NEV                                                Ah.

MATT                                              Passed me by, that one.

END

Sketch comedy: Matt and Nev in their usual seats

When I was working with a team on the BBC radio sketch show Jesting About I wrote a series of very short sketches featuring two Geordie friends Matt and Nev who could always be found in the same seats in their local. None of the shorter sketches written by any of the writers made it to the recording as they turned out not to fit the format, but I thought I'd spend the next few days on my blog reproducing the Matt and Nev sketches. Here's the first one:

MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 1

David Williams

FX                                                    PUB ATMOS

NEV                                                Just suppose, Matt...

MATT                                              What?

NEV                                                Suppose your doorbell rings, right. And

                                                        there’s a lovely young lass stannin there,

                                                        18-19, mebbes. 22.

MATT                                              Oh aye.

NEV                                                She takes one look at you, an she says, ‘Let

                                                        me in. I want you to rip all my clothes off, and

                                                        I want us to make mad, passionate love.’

                                                        What would you do?

MATT                                              Oh. (PAUSE TO CONSIDER) Wouldn’t

                                                        happen.

NEV                                                Why not?

MATT                                              I haven’t got a doorbell.

END